clotted with guilt my heart struggles to pump mangled blood through frozen veins, shaking hands clench to regain steadiness, alone.......feelings left unsaid,un-felt , unsafe, and alone......wandering eyes seek to pierce whats left of unconscious armor in search of malfeasance. unknowing to seekers of no wrong doing, my heart skips and my breath catches. shadows creep around sharpened corners gripping and my sides, vision becomes blurry as shapes loose form...alone......downward i fall onto softened pillows that ease my racing mind, hopeful i lay wanting for sleep to save my tormented cerebrum....

 

*a work in progress

alone again i stand in the nights frigged air, blankly i stare into the dense darkness that surrounds me, wanting and needing something more to be there, more than the shadows, more than the nothingness that draws me ever so close and squeezes me tight. the wind slowly whips against my cheeks drying and freezing my tears in a perfect state of damned. downward i fall into the vat, a vat of nothing at all, one thing that terrifies me is the greatness of the nothing, the nothing at all.  farther and farther i fall, falling into the nothing at all. whats worse than the falling is knowing there will be nothing to save me, nothing at all.....

 

 

(C)kdt

well for those of you who liked me here i just wanted to say that i'm not on as much as i used to be but i am on myspace a lot. look me up and add me :) i'd be more that happy to c ya there   http://www.myspace.com/belatedpenguin  thats mine :)

quietly i bid my time, longing for warmth to return while icy fingers wind their way up my spine only to penetrate my skin through the underside of my cerebrum, caressing and squeezing my throat choking off whatever sobs that remain. numbness creeps its way along my extremities releasing my hands from their clenched state of panic, only to replace them with the familiar feeling of pins and needles.

crouched in a corner, hidden from all wandering eyes, in this position i stay, with my arms holding my chest as tightly as possible, my one last attempt to keep my heart from fading away with the cold. franticly my eyes hunt the horizon seeking any familiar form that would bring with it warmth and hope....but alas my sight only sees the bleak expansion of nothingness encased in darkness... silent shadows dance their merry pirouettes in a vicory promenade around my shaddered hope..

mangled figures push their way from darkened crevasses stumbling toward me with eyes chalked white with death. as they reach toward me with crooked digits i open my mouth to release a shrill scream of fear, frozen claws clench my neck tightening thier grip and holding back any sound that would have escaped, i turn to run hoping to find light hoping to find warmth that would save me from this frozen  hell encased in umbrae. one foot after the other, slowly, as if stuck in clotted blood my feet trudge unsuccessfully, one step then two, but no more. downward i fall into the cold caresses of unsightly creachers reaching for my last shred of happy hope, feasting on my misery like hungry wolves....and going back for more..

 

violently i awake, tangled amongst my bedsheets sobbing into the nights forgoten darkness while holding on to myself, waiting to shivver away into another illusion of terrior that haunt my loanly nights.......

wow it has been so long since i've been on. well lets see whats happened,. i bought a new house! and its perfect!!! its got the basement, and upstairs and a fireplace!! two dining rooms and two living rooms! its my dream house! i bought it w my bf, and we just recently got a new car. life hasnt been too bad, which is nice for a change......

cold grips at my chest, even in the warm new weather of spring, the icy tendrils still manage to find my last warm thoughts and turn them to cold whisps of memory. feelings that were thought to be forgotten now surface to bear new lacerations of pain across my heart, numbed with the fridged acid of hurt and fear... this hollowed shell that was left in a twisted heap was brought back only to be shaped into another mangled mess. once filled with pain and desperation only to be emptied with false hope and smiles and filled once again.

i walk slowly into the shadows i once knew and loved, back into my world of safety and darkness. i stand and close my eyes feeling the umbrae seep onto my skin making it crawl with sensations long since lost. i pick up my mask of smiles and place it over tear stained cheeks. my silent sobs echo through the empty space that is my soul crashing from side to side and playing tag with my sences.

i glace upwards toward the moon in her radiant glory, and she smiles back at me as if to say " i missed you too, now lets go home"  and i am surrounded by darkness as i drift away...

 

well its the new year and everythings been going fast. theres been a lot of changes and discoveries. i've found out that nothing is what it seems. how funny is that when its the main topic in my favorite movie! ha, should've paid more attention i guess. well lets see....found out my now ex-boyfriend was nothing like i thought he was and neither was our relationship. didnt ever think i'd be one to be abused and let down... but i've got higher hopes for my new prince charming...hahaha. ne hoots. i started off my new year the right way and i've been learning all new life lessons. it just sucks having to learn them the hard way but o well thats how its done right>?  sometime soon i'll be posting new poems and stuff so do not fear i have returned lol. hope everyone is well

blessed be

i dont know why but today i just had one of those overwhelming senses of helplessness. i guess its true when they say "life comes at you fast". i realized that  maybe workin the 12hour night shift at a crappy hot factory isnt going to be as simple as i thought, and maybe i should actually put more effort into going to college, and maybe growing up is hard to do.... i worry now more that ever that i'm growing apart from everyone i know and love. when i'm not at work i'm sleeping, or with john.... it used to be so simple. school, friends, family,work, john. now i worry about my mom and how shes doing, and i worry about money more than ever. i'm not poor(pretty well off actually) but i'm not in one of those families that gets everything laid out on a silver dish for them to choose from. my family works hard for what we have and its just as good as anything those damn snobby bitches have! (*ok getting a little off the point.  i guess i'm starting to worry about choices i have to make. i wish i was five again. all i had to worry about was how much candy i could eat before my belly started to hurt............ok done ranting now. maybe later i'll write something more poetic

 

 

 

hey peeps. i told my niece i'd help her out so if you would go to this addy

 

 

 http://www.neopets.com/refer.phtml?username=zator

create an account, activate it and all that good stuff.

i dont know all the details but something about the more people she reffers the more

cool stuff she gets?? so if you would please help out and get others to too. i appreciate it much

stranded alone i shuffle my way past unwanted light. shrouded in my shadows i seek comfort. humid air grips at clothing, leaving them clinging to frozen skin. tears fall angry onto dry soil that sucks at them greedily. hands clenched tightly into fists ready to strike at anything and nothing at all. acid moves its way from stomach to heart to erode it away and to kill the pain.

 

 

is this loves suicide?

 

whats left of moonlight glitters upon the ground sweeping its way through shadows, while thoughts that torment stagger through whats left of my concience cerebrum. images and words left said and unsaid lash out and create hidden wounds that you will never see. strawberry gashes and sapphire bruises hidden beneath the surface,  cant be seen by anything but my minds eye, they lay burried upon piles of regret and questions that'll be pushed aside.

 

is this loves suicide?

 

its not a habbit, its cool, i'll be fine...........................

 

 

(C)KDT

has anybody just had one of those days where u just want to sream FU#$ YOU!!!! at the top of your lungs??? anybody? or is it just me? probably just me. o well, guess we cant all be   perfect. of course if i was i wouldnt be so damned pissed off right now..... i guess today is just one of those days where nothing is going to go right. i wish i had a dark hole to crawl into and hide out for a few days.......... ok i guess thats enough venting for now

wow. today is one of those days where everything goes wrong and all the

Fit hits the shAN at once. i guess i've realized that growing up means shutting up. like in my relationship. its been almost a year( one more month but whose keeping track right?) and i guess we have a communication problem. he talks i listen. i dont talk he gets mad. i do talk he gets mad.  i dont understand what he wants, he gets what he wants. i take what i can get.... but the realization is that theres no problem if i shut up. if i just do whatever he wants and take what he gives with no complaints everything is fine.. its just so hard to think that what everyone is telling me is true, in the end its always gonna be about the guy and nothing should be about you. i guess its just hard to break from the way things used to be. everything equal, having a part of the lime light. but growing up means change and this i need to deal with. in family life its the same. just listen to others and help with what they want. pay bills, and shut up. i hate keeping everything inside but i've done it for so long now its habit. a habit that hurts and i cant give this up as easily as i did smoking i guess...... thank god for my blog and my mom. with out either i would explode from internal build up of mindless nothingness.....

“Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8-color boxes, but what you're really looking for are the 64-color boxes with the sharpeners on the back. I fancy myself to be a 64-color box, though I've got a few missing. It's ok though, because I've got some more vibrant colors like periwinkle at my disposal. I have a bit of a problem though in that I can only meet the 8-color boxes. Does anyone else have that problem? I mean there are so many different colors of life, of feeling, of articulation.. so when I meet someone who's an 8-color type.. I'm like, "hey girl, magenta!" and she's like, "oh, you mean purple!" and she goes off on her purple thing, and I'm like, "no - I want magenta!"”  

--John Mayer

 

 

 

found this quote and fell in love with it. however i consider myself more of an ebony charcoal. it knows what other colors are like and it still captures just as much beauty (with the proper shading i suppose.) and if you think about it, some colors wouldnt be what they are with out a black tint to them. so [in terms of pastels "chalk"] the ebony charcoal is their support giving them their viberance  [or this could just be because charcoal is my favorite medium at the moment]

well i got bored and so i put pics of me up. if i ever figure out how to hook my camera up to my comp i'll have more pics to put up :) dont laugh at ne of them cuz theres one where my hair is very frizzy

i know i should have just left them all up, but after a while i just thought they were cluttering up the place. i did however save them somewhere else and while reading them today i thought i'd bring a few back......

May 12 feeling a bit bitter today

breathless i stand, amongst my shadows, awaiting your judgment. being hidden from you is a comfort i seek, out of sight from the look of regret and of longing for something else. forgive me my friendship, i didn’t know that all i bring is cold pain, and sadness. go and stand in your light, be the hero that everyone expects. dance in the spotlight and be merry with them all. i'll stand here and watch you, ready for when you fall.... not much cushioning can be granted by all my broken pieces, the ones you help to batter....god forbid that your sunshine should be invaded by shadows and darkness, so allow me to pamper you while your "boo-boos" heal, and dont forget to step on me when your masters call "Heel!".

May 29 midnight serenade

alone i lay with my back against the moistened earth, looking up at the sky above which has turned a most comfortable shade of deep gray. darkened clouds move in overhead to block all stars but the ones that dared to peek through the grayness. shadows are cast by neighboring lights that stand on rusted sconces on old houses. a sprinkle of laughter glitters across the night air as children finish their long hunt for the lightning bugs that dance among the shrubberies and flowers. crickets sing their nighttime song amidst the mound of foxgloves and forget-me-nots. and still i look onward toward the sky, wishing the clouds to move on, to release the stars from their shadowy prison. but to no avail, my wishing falls upon deaf ears. from somewhere in the shadows comes a furry figure to offer his purr into the midnight serenade, soon after a few more companions come to flop near my side and offer their gentle rumbles to aide my troubled thoughts. the wind has yet to blow its soft song of sorrow in this lovely melody that has begun, but there seems to be no need, the shadows still awaken to dance upon the ground and near darkened crevices..... all is timed to a steady beat to create my little show, however my mind stays restless but welcomes the distraction. what a wonderful night to have a serenade......

April 23, Damned

every time i try to show how i feel i cannot. it becomes an uncomfortable thorn in the world of roses your use to. a pain of mine i could never make yours, so i dull my point by showing false feelings. a happy face, and a pleasant smile just for you. i wont show you my tears, or tell you about my nightmares, i'll keep them to myself. tucked away in a corner of darkness, safe in the shadows of my soul. your fluffy pretentious world shall be left unscathed by my lacerating shadows. i'm always here to listen to you b*tch and moan, but it seems i cant talk to you, the words stick and you dont seem interested in listening anyway. your demeaning stare pierces my heart in the deepest way. leaving wounds unable to heal, and pieces broken to small to replace. but as long as your happy i guess that makes it all ok, as long as your light still shines everything is alright. but still i am damned to show everything false. and anytime i reveal truth your smile fades and your stare starts to cut once again.

 

 

 

 

May 03 Damned(part 2)

once again your stare pierces me, am i not but a bitter silhouette in your eyes? a hollow shell of wasted space. an empty vessel in need of something. a mere nothing to you....encased in my shadows i haunt the halls in which you tread, but you wouldn’t notice and you wouldn’t care. its only when you need something, only when its about you. doesn’t matter that it hurts others, it doesn’t matter that its selfish, your gratification is all that matters to you. your empty words still float in my mind, your voice still verberates in my thoughts taking on new meanings, now all twisted it turns on me. an echo of you that tells me my faults, reminding me of my pain and of my hurts. old wounds begin to deepen, seeping more darkness into the world. another stain upon the base of light to which you've become so accustomed. "i hope that your happy, you really deserve it"

 

 

June 02 damned (part 3)

my heart lies murdered twisted in your grip, seeping its last will of life through your clenched fingers. battered are the last rays of light that i clung to, the ones that you so carelessly shut away. fallen are the hopes i had for happiness, but as long as your happy its all "peachy". shunned are the feelings i harbor amidst my pain. why should i be meant to feel this way and not you? is my justice met when yours is always served? or do i still manage only to reach the short end of the stick. you've taken all i have to give, and yet you've given me nothing. i'm empty now, a mere vessel in this world, a hollow void amidst the sunshine that you live in. but you're still oblivious to all the truths that you've piled lies upon. don’t play the angel because you were born the demon.

June 10 midnight echoes (incomplete)

huddled in a corner i stay, longing to escape from eyes that bear no reflections. i press deeper into the shadows, begging for their protection. my darkness blankets me, shielding me from the light that burns. liquid sapphire rapidly pulses through veins as anxiety takes over. lost in a sea of nothingness as umbrae promenade inside shadows, i lay watchful. outside rain pounds upon now moist dirt as lightning thrashes its way through clouds and thunder roars till midnight echoes.........

 

 

 

 

June 4

afternoon rain

grey clouds swirl amidst the fog of the earths atmospheric blanket. creating mountains of colored cotton candy against the afternoon sky. sunshine still fights to break through the net of thickening nimbuses, but at last to no avail. the suns glowing orb becomes encased by a cloudy cocoon. moisture that has accumulated over time begins to slowly release itself from the placid grip. thunder billows its way through the air as clouds continue their aerial ballet. Rain drops shimmer and glide as they dance towards the earth surface. somewhere in the distance lightning flashes and illuminates faces in the now darkening town. all faces looking downward to evade the cool drizzle, all looking at the ground... all but one. one face is left upturned to bask in mother natures rare beauty. two eyes are left open to cry along with her as she weeps for all to see....

bitter-me[ you

hate, anger, remorse, pain all mix in the cauldron to burbble inside my mind. sour thoughts of YOU squeeze at my insides forcing out the anguish that is YOU. its not enough that i give YOU everything, its not enought for me to be me. use me, abuse me, take me, hate me, leave me, but dont YOU love me. i couldnt ask that much of YOU, but YOU ask the world of me. my despondency keeps me going, its all i have left. YOU have YOUR limelight, YOUR followers, YOUR lovers, YOUR euphoria..and YOU'LL never again have YOUR doormat that is me. when YOU find out the truths behind the lies, i will be gone.........